Chapter 31: Hunting Mercury

With all the drama in her own home, Sacha had little time to notice the drama her cousins have been getting up to. Zoya, pictured here alive, has died via electrocution.

Having more authority over the property beyond the water tower than Zoya's sister, Sacha has her cousin buried in broad daylight because graveyards are far too scary to enter at night.

A pause at Randy's grave to sob and fret about the garden, which is now growing robots.

It all feels a bit surreal. Zoya was younger than Sacha. Also she had a properly-spelled Russian variant of a Greek name, while Sacha has the French variant of a Russian name. Fiona couldn't pass up the opportunity to annoy Leona, even when naming her daughters.

Sacha loves flowers and dares Grim to show up again by reading out here... in broad daylight... for an extended period of time.

Arthur fashions a chair.

"It's functional. Adequately functional."

At least Halen will always talk with Sacha about cooking.

"My career with the band is going great. Betty Crocker is the best thing ever, because I read her books and presto, I can make everyone's favorites. You're like a Betty Crocker, right Sacha? Daniel Sams was pissed when I collected his hair from the drain and made a bracelet, and then I beat up his girlfriend and said she couldn't have his kids because I want his kids, and then I made him hamburgers and did his laundry and he forgave me and didn't kick me out of the studio."


"Shame about my sister," Halen remarked. "She was eccentric, like our Mom was eccentric. That must be why she died. I mean, I never saw her inventing, but it must be why. Also Cody is eccentric. Zoya told me about it, back when we were still speaking sometimes. She said he plays with the wiring in the house. I told him he can play with the wires in our house if he really wants, yanno, make him feel at home."

Cody Archer-Forsythe, Zoya's only child, is a teenager and now living with Halen since his father has died of old age. If you were Cody, you would also be afraid of darts or other sharp objects being within 50 feet of Halen's family.

Since Zoya died, Cody has developed the neurotic trait and probably won't be killing any more loved ones with faulty re-wiring...

Rickie, Halen's oldest, is now an adult and anxious to restore the Remington estate and get out of her mother's madhouse. She's never liked vampires either.

"I'm glad I didn't get that awful eccentric trait," Halen remarks, oblivious to her own insanity as well as her daughter's discomfort.

No one dares comment on how Halen wants to have the guitarist Daniel Sams' kids, either, even though Halen has been married to a loser named Timothy Hill for many years now. None of Halen's four children belong to him, though they've all taken the "Hill-Archer" surname.


Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Martin compliments Drumheller's jacket. It's like fine art.

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"Every Archer in our generation wears red. You, me, Arthur, Cody."

"Your twin sister is wearing pink," Martin notices.  

"Which is almost red, so I have a plan to fix her wardrobe a bit..."

Drumheller considers. "It involves painting over her face, right?"

Josephine overhears.

Caught at a slightly more flattering angle, Rickie plots impaling everyone.

Carolyn, Halen's youngest. Too young for anyone to care about.

Back upstairs, they've moved on to discussing girls. Drumheller is fond of Judith Grisby, a girl who isn't likely to demand presents, cuddles, or anything other than one's silence when she's about to level up.

Halen salts the macaroni with an imaginary salt shaker.

Cody's jacket is the exact same as Drumheller's jacket, so Martin proposes a change.

"Much better!"

If it weren't for this top of the line video game system, Cody would definitely not be putting up with the future-stylist's practice makeovers.

Nice socks, Pavel.

Bernice Grisby. The vampire one.

Jazz approves of the chair.

Some sparring. Jazz wants to get psyched for an upcoming trip to China. He needs mercury.

Though he probably shouldn't use those moves on a green belt.

"Hey! Time out! Time out!"

China is as beautiful as Leona described.

Though also terrifying.

Jazz will surely protect her, if the creaking walls turn out to be the ghosts of evil warlords.

Arthur's first order of business upon arrival is to clean up base camp. The beds were unmade, the stoves were dirty, there were puddles in the bathrooms...

After a single night camping out in the tent he thought was so AWESOME, Pavel has decided it wasn't that great and he'll spend the rest of the vacation indoors, perfecting his vampire complexion and reading science fiction novels.

Arthur has other ideas.

Go for the eyes! Poke its eyes!

Melody had her birthday a few hours before the Archers left for China. Sacha decides it's time Martin had the talk.

Ah... the fresh smell of Chinese butterfly in the morning.

Martin just wants to dance in his PJs all day.

This is a variant of THE PUNCH, called "Sniffing My Sleeves."

"If you're serious about Melody, you gotta get her jewelery. Girls love that."

Who said he was serious about Melody? Sheesh.

These two getting along? Bizarro world.

Once again, no Plutonium in the tourist shop. Jazz is disappointed.

The merchant doesn't know why he thought plutonium would just be sitting around in his shop with the fake gold snake statues, but does his best to appear professionally sympathetic.

How many mummies did Jazz fight today? Oh, thousands...

Jazz teaches Pavel to sing. This kid is theatrical, whether or not he'll admit it.

Some time for romance...

Sacha has the idea to go skinny dipping, so Jazz checks to make sure there will be no witnesses.

In the end, they err on the side of caution, and leap in with their swimming clothes still on. Sacha challenges Jazz to a breath-holding contest and fails miserably.

Not you too!

When the family returns from China, several gems and loads of mercury richer, Pavel ages up.

_________________________________________
Etc.: What's a haunted graveyard if everyone dies of old age? BORING. Sorry, Zoya.

Pavel's eyebrows will change because my game kept crashing, forcing me to re-live his birthday three times. Each time, he was assigned different eyebrows.

The boys really were all wearing red. I didn't notice until they were all standing together.

Also a weird coincidence that the game spawned double twin cousins for Sacha. One of each set was insane and had four children in their childhood home, while the other one moved away from home and spawned a single son.